The First Step...Make a decision already!

I have always been a wanderer, Never following through, ALWAYS deferred from decisions by fear...

Last July (2009)a couple I have known for almost 10 years came back to the States to visit and asked if we could catch up over lunch. Mary is the principal of a private school in Jordan and while we were talking and I was telling them how I had absolutely no idea what I was doing with my life, but that lately I had been playing with the idea of teaching, Mary asked if I would want to come teach at her school. This all started just as random as that, or not so random because God tends to know what He is doing even if we don't. The thing was that I would have to be out there 5 weeks from that day, meaning prepare everything (finances, selling my car, raising partial monthly support, getting money for plane ticket)and have my life be radically changed all in 5 weeks time.

Now if you know me then you would know that the spontaneity of this is right up my alley...so after 3 days of praying I said yes...however it did not sit well with me for very long. I began to feel uneasy, mostly out of fear but also because I have debt that was more than I could handle and did not feel at peace about running off to the other side of the world with my debt in such a mess. SO at the risk of letting down this couple whom I really love and admire, I emailed them to say I could not go. Since moving and taking the job was something that scared me so much, I felt I was now off the hook and relieved I would not have to take myself out of my comfort zone.

God does not really work this way though, He tends to push when we need pushing :-) lol So to my surprise they asked me to take time, get things in order, and consider coming the next year. I remember thinking it was so awesome that they still wanted me to come, but that this offer would be easy to forget and I could move on and find something amazing to do with my life...something that was here in Colorado close to my family and friends. I decided that because I am such a spontaneous person who comes up with plans for my life faster than I could ever finish any of them, which is why I have not ever followed through with any, that if in six months this job was on my heart in any way I would consider it. However I decided this knowing it was just a way to put the voice inside my head that this was what I was supposed to do at ease..I knew I was too scared to go and it would be all too easy to put this out of my mind.

Fast forward six months....

I was living in Denver on a whim, working back at Dave & Busters just to tide me over until I found my "dream job"..even though I had absolutely no idea what that was...and I was starting to feel very unsettled and anxious about my life and my future. I actually started having anxiety attacks, heart palpitations, and couldn't sleep..all of these things had never happened to me before. In other words, I had no idea what I was doing with myself. I was lost...all except for the constant thought in the back of my mind, that voice I tried to push away..telling me to go to Jordan!

So I finally sat down in my room, in the quiet and wrestled with this decision. The funny thing is that I did not have to...I was not letting Jeff and Mary down, they were not expecting me at this point to come, but for some reason I felt I would not have any sense of peace in my mind until I acknowledged this opportunity and asked God if this is what He wanted me to do..and then the hardest part, surrendering to it and to Him.

I remember I was standing in my mom's kitchen one morning and had basically decided i was not going to go. I was convincing myself that I needed to be here close to my family and especially my little sister..and at that very moment God put me in my place like He never has before. The verse that came to my mind immediately is from Luke 9: 57-62, it is titled The Cost of following Jesus. I reminded me that if Jesus says to us "follow me" we are to do so NO MATTER WHAT!! Nothing should stand in our way, not family, not our own desires, and definitely not fear which only comes from Satan. So right then I decided, I was going to Jordan, now matter what God would carry me, I was going to follow through with this no matter what I had to do and I knew that if I was hearing God correctly He is the one who is going to get me there. The things which have to be accomplished before I can leave are impossible for me to do, literally impossible, the only way I will leave on August 2nd and fly to live in Jordan is by God's power!

I have always been a wanderer, Never following through, Always deferred from decisions by Fear...BUT since I made THIS decision, I have not once looked back..I am moving forward only by the Grace of God! I love HIM So much!!